Tom Sawyer's Got Nothing on Me

Yeah, I know he famously talked a bunch of unsuspecting characters into whitewashing his Aunt Polly's fence but that was FICTION and this is FACT... I, Salvage Chick, managed to swindle a long-time client into repainting the Shop's Bathroom, A.K.A. Powder Room Antiques. It happened quite by accident on Monday, I had cleared the room and spackled the holes and a few hours later stopped over at Yard Sale Buddy's to grab a piece of sandpaper to finish the prep work. I was showing him some treasures I had stashed in the back of my Jeep when who should pull up but this guy who had been ogling the sleigh runners out in front of the shop which belonged to Mack of Never Open Antiques. He started right in, "I like them but I can't touch them for that price." Well the price was $45 so I offered him half off and it still was too much (did I mention he's really cheap?) so I took a look at him all paint-spattered on his way home from work and a thought occured to me... "Why don't you just paint my bathroom in exchange for the sleigh runners?" He seemed interested and sort of agreed in a non-committal way, like, sure, when do you want to do that? "Right Now." NOW? "Yes, the offer expires today." TODAY? Just when I was wondering if I was not speaking English the deal was sealed and it was agreed Yard Sale Buddy would make a Dunkin' run, I would run and sand the spackle, and this guy (we'll call him Sherwin Williams) would run home and tell his wife he was gonna be late. There was one point where I wondered if I shouldn't be trading Mack's sleigh runners without consulting him but both guys advised me to just tell Mack they had been stolen from in front of the shop, if he even remembered they were there in the first place.
Finally we were all assembled in the shop and Yard Sale Buddy & I settled down with our beverages like paint-watching was a spectator sport. Sherwin immediately demanded painter's tape "Tape!" exclaimed Yard Sale Buddy; "I thought you were a Professional" Umm, let's not confuse Professional with People Who Happen to Paint For a Living. So he went to his car and came back with Blue Tape and proceeded to tape the Powder Room within an inch of its life. Then he shut the door and started painting. Now, I could understand he had to shut the door to paint behind it... but Why Is He Painting The Whole Room with the Door Shut? I whispered to Yard Sale Buddy. Before he could reply the door flung open and Sherwin exclaimed "WHO Ordered the Paint?" Yard Sale Buddy & I looked at each other all askance. ORDERED the paint? Who does he think we are? People who PAY for stuff? Jesus. This was just some paint I happened upon. Sherwin was adamant that there was not going to be enough paint, HELLO I gave him a whole quart for like a 3' by 5' room but apparently these "Professionals" like to slather it on. NEVER MIND, he exclaimed, I'll stretch it, and SLAM back to work he went behind closed doors. Then he demanded a stepstool and Yard Sale Buddy told him to stand on the toilet at which point I thought it would be a good idea to ask "Are you bonded?" No, he replied just while he was on his employer's clock and then 1 hour before and 1 hour after he left the jobsite. TICK TICK I looked nervously at the clock "Well you better start painting faster!" He kept emerging with these ridiculous questions: WHO is going to cut the corners? "YOU!" ME? "Yes, no cuttie no sleigh runnerie." OH For God's Sake (SLAM!). Finally he was Done. He came out and showed me his work and then patted me on the arm like a Doctor who had just given me sutures and said "You can take the tape off tomorrow." Hmph well I obeyed his orders and waited til the next day to take the tape off, but half the wall paint came with it. I guess you get what you pay for... or rather, what MACK paid for, LOL. I guess it doesn't look too bad after all.