Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Yes, Salvage Chick, There Really is a Santa Claus.

For a minute there last Sunday, I really believed that there wasn't. Or that he had skipped town early along with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and all my other dashed hopes and dreams. Why was I so disillusioned? I finally saw the inside of Yard Sale Buddy's House! Sometimes when my husband is channel surfing he'll flash by an episode of Sanford and Son and I'm like, "Stop! Stop!" so we watch for a while while I marvel at the junk all over the house commenting enviously "I bet that's what Yard Sale Buddy's house looks like inside." It's not like he's never invited me in, but I've always found a reason not to go in thinking I'M NOT WORTHY to see the Holy Grail of Junkdom. I knew he had one cat, but I figured there were about 18 more inside along with piles of newspapers dating back to the Nixon Administration, and other crazy treasures like a stuffed wooly mammoth and possibly a mummy sarcophagus or two. So on Sunday when I stopped to drop off his Christmas present (a sweatshirt that reads JUNKMASTER: Search and Rescue Team - how PERFECT is that?) he said OH, I have something for you, come on in... and without thinking twice I followed him in. To a seemingly NORMAL house! Oh... my... where were the twenty years worth of National Geographic magazines? And was that DAYLIGHT streaming in through the windows? Just when I was marveling he has a REAL LIVE PET BIRD in one of his famous birdcages, he pointed to the stove and said "There's my turkey I cooked this morning" WHAT? There it sat on the stove along with simmering pots of potatoes and vegetables and gravy. I thought he subsisted solely on Dunkin Donuts coffee... He Can COOK?!?!? Maybe there really IS no Santa Claus after all.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Storm Coverage brought to you by Meteorologist, Salvage Chick

That's going to be my tagline when I wrap up the weather on the Channel 5 News. Move over, Dick Albert! There's a new Cold Front in town and it's ME and my uncanny ability to predict snowfalls of large proportion. Never mind Doppler Radar and all those newfangled gadgets! I only need ONE THING to predict the weather: My Husband's Suitcase. When I see it out being packed for a business trip during the months of December through March, I know we are in for a landslide. Sure enough, Kenny is in New Jersey this week. And somehow, that long curving country driveway of ours has lost its allure right about now. I AM glad we haven't covered the pool yet, though... maybe I can get some Free Publicity for the shop by doing one of those Polar Bear Skinny Dips.

I Don't Care to Belong to Any Club That WOULDN'T Have Me For a Member.

Sorry, Groucho, I know you are rolling over in your grave. My Husband always warned me about this one town on the South Shore neighboring the one he grew up in (Score One for Marsh Vegas!) Today my Mom and I ventured into this tonier town to do some shopping - hit a really cute New Shoppe then stopped for a bite to eat at an upscale deli we'll call... D'Outrageous. Not the prices, the ATTITUDES. We stepped up to the counter, my Mom orders a sandwich, WHAT KIND OF BREAD? Ummm, Wheat. IS THIS FOR HERE OR TO GO? Umm, we would also like this other sandwich. WHAT KIND OF BREAD? Do you have Sourdough? (BIG SIGH... NO.) Starts reciting all the breads. Visions of Jerry Seinfeld's Soup Nazi start dancing in my head. REALLY pissed her off when I started browsing for sodas and chips before stating FOR HERE or TO GO. We sit down and eat, after arm-wrestling the Deli Nazi to get straws, and the food is delectable. Except they gave my Mom the HEEL of the wheat bread with the hard side turned into the sandwich trying to hide it; she likened it to chewing rawhide. All the while I could not get over the ATTITUDE. "Are we Unwashed?" I asked My Mom innocently. I tried to view us through these Holier Than Thou eyes. Granted, my fleece overcoat was plaid. That could be deemed offensive in some zipcodes. But, my purse was Coach and my Mom was toting a backpack which was Vera Bradley. And my 2001 Jeep was identical to 4 out of 5 cars in the parking lot so it couldn't have been THAT.
Before we ate we had plans to hit this cute looking gift shoppe in the same complex afterwards but by the time we finished I just wanted to get the heck out of Dodge. So we hightailed it up 3A until I did an abrupt 3 point turn saying "OH There's the XXXXXX Thrift Shop!" As soon as we walked in Katherine Hepburn's ugly little sister looked at us with a curled lip and said "We Close In FIVE Minutes." OK, we smiled, NO PROBLEM! And Beelined to the Bric-a-Brac area. WOW I found some great old Christmas ornaments all silver, in the box, snatched those up, excited to keep looking and... "LADIES I AM SHUTTING THE LIGHTS OFF". Are you KIDDING ME? My Mom bit her lip to keep from laughing when I asked the lady if the Attitude was a Prerequisite to live in the town or if it was something you got from the water. No wonder they call it SUCKSBURY!! When I got back in the Jeep it was still only 3:58.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Pembroke 5-0; Book 'Em, Danno!

All I can say is POOR YARD SALE BUDDY. He was doing some Clean-Out work for a lady in Pembroke and suddenly received a summons from the Pembroke Police to come down and visit the Station... Turns out the woman was missing $2300 in cash from a cupboard and convinced herself Yard Sale Buddy was the felon. So he went down to the precinct and sat there shaking in his boots while they informed him CSI was down at her house fingerprinting, was he SURE they wouldn't find his prints anywhere near the cupboard? And by the way, would he be willing to take a Lie Detector test? Yard Sale Buddy adamantly swore he was no where near the cupboard, while all I could think was "I'm SO SURE the Pembroke Police have all these investigative tools right at their fingertips... NOT." But he was really upset so I just listened with a sympathetic ear and was happy to learn that the police informed the woman they really had no grounds to prosecute Yard Sale Buddy, given the lack of evidence and his solid reputation. Then she admitted she 'remembered' that she had moved the money somewhere else and it really wasn't missing at all. To add insult to injury, she never even called YSB to apologize! Now while he was telling me this story, we were out in front of the shop putting together an artificial tree someone gave me; I was losing patience with his instructing me on how to fluff the branches. "No, look, you gotta SPREAD EM!! SPREAD EM!!" Finally I couldn't resist. "SPREAD EM?? Is that what the Pembroke Police asked you to do??" and dissolved into a fit of giggles. Thank God Yard Sale Buddy is a Good Sport.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree..."

"I'm sorry I put you up in the garage storage loft and then filled the place with so much junk I'm scared to ask Kenny to get you down..."

Needless to say I am on a Serious Cleaning Mission!! Today after 2 trips to the Halifax Recycling Center I decided to gift Yard Sale Buddy with a few items. I have to be strategic when I do this so he does not feel like I just dumped a load of crap on him because his house is a lot closer than the Salvation Army dropoff. So I showed up with a bag full of pine garlands proclaiming "This is a present from your friend Rip-Off-Guy" (we won't talk about that ill-advised cleanout right now but mere mention of his name was enough to make Yard Sale Buddy start swearing.)

One of the guys who frequents Pembroke's only 24/7 Yard Sale was there too and he and Yard Sale Buddy looked on in amazement while I started winding the garland around one of these gigornimous wagon wheels; "When I am on TV you guys can share Remember When stories about me, this would be a good one..." They just exchanged a puzzled look and asked "When are you going to be on TV?" HELLO! When I am FAMOUS and they cancel This Old House AND Martha Stewart because I will be like both shows in one!! "Oh...right."

The other thing I brought with me was this knotty pine bench that is literally made out of a log split in half with the flat sides facing up; and wouldn't you know it, Yard Sale Buddy had that tacky bear statue at the ready to take up residence on it.

While I was there I snapped a photo of this crazy Santa and reindeer arrangement, I really have never met anyone as inventive with Yard Art as Yard Sale Buddy.

When it was time to leave I couldn't break my Cardinal Yard-Sale-Buddy-Yard Rule: When I Giveth, I also Taketh Away!! Check out this old water pump that is JUST The right color for the season... and get in EARLY this weekend, because this is sure to sell FAST!